In my last post I finished with “Life is Good”. And today, as I write this, life is still good. But that doesn’t mean that life isn’t fucking hard sometimes, full of twists and turns, and ups and downs that often feel like they can shift with the wind. They are all part of the human experience, some experiences so easy to embrace and seek more of, others so challenging to navigate, to emotionally detach from, to be able to gracefully pass through without feeling thrown off kilter.
Current state = 💔😭💝😭
It started on Tuesday morning, Instead of coming to the kitchen right after she woke up, I could hear my 7 year old daughter playing and singing in her own in her bedroom. When she finally came upstairs, she told me she had been talking with Danma (her Grandma, my Mom) and took my hand, leading me to the living room. She pointed towards my Mom’s urn and my gaze followed. (Yes, we are weird and have an urn filled with ¼ of my dead mother’s ashes on our altar in the living room, but that’s a topic for another post 😆).
I look at the shiny purple urn embellished with butterflies and see there is a new addition draped over its neck, a silver necklace with a pendant in the shape of half of a broken heart. My daughter had bought “best friends” necklaces with her own money two weeks prior, with two necklaces each containing one half of the same heart. N told me that this morning she decided she wanted to give it to Danma, as Danma was her best friend.
And within the skip of a heartbeat, my heart reverts to feeling broken as well. Broken feeling my daughter’s yearning, broken knowing she will never have a chance to grow that friendship, broken remembering I lost my best friend too. But this momentary heaviness is quickly uplifted by an overwhelming feeling of love I feel for the huge heart this little girl is carrying. I am awed by how much space my Mom still fills in it. N was only 5 when Danma passed to the other side on March 4, 2017.
The next evening, on Wednesday, as N was going to bed, she broke down into tears. I held her and listened to the sobs, not trying to calm her or talk or advise, because she needed love, not rationalisation. She needed to be held and heard, to know that her feelings were okay and could come out as they were. Her brother heard her sobs and came to stroke her hair to comfort her, their aggressive fight from 15 minutes earlier suddenly a distant memory. This moment of bonding was beyond sweet, bringing us all closer together through the safe, vulnerable space we were holding.
As her tears fell, mine started to as well. For her, for my Mom, for me. When the gaps between her tears lengthened, she started talking about how much she missed Danma and just wanted to be able to hug her. As she released the emotions and I listened, this clarity came over her and she was able to so clearly express how she felt and why. She started asking philosophical questions about life and death and reincarnation, and we finished this really rough hour with such a beautiful, connecting conversation.
Is it coincidence that these two emotionally charged events happened in the days leading up to the second anniversary of my Mom’s transition?
N didn’t look on a calendar to see what date it is. She hasn’t marked March 4th as an anniversary, a death day. We hadn't talked about it.
Are her cells programmed to remember past traumas, how exactly 2 years ago we were lying with my Mom as her body went into deeper and deeper states of unconsciousness, as we said our goodbyes, wanting to hold on and knowing we must let go? We all have traumas and losing a Grandmother, a Mother, who you were incredibly close to, is a trauma, whether you were informed on the phone and never had the chance to feel her again, or if you were hugging her ailing body and feeling her warmth one last time.
Is she feeding off of my sadness? While I think of my Mom every single day, I hadn’t been conscious of feeling noticeably sad early last week. Perhaps I was, and she picked up on it before me?
Or did she just feel my Mom’s energy, which has been much more present lately than before? Ever since N was tiny, this little girl has had the ability to sense more than we can see. To hear more, feel more. She has been a spirited child, highly emotional and intense, and wise in many ways beyond the average adult. Wise in the way that she understands life and death and many of her emotions, and can often express it in words.
While the reason might not be clear, what is clear to me is that the timing of her intense emotions connected to my Mom is no coincidence. I believe that days when significant events happened - whether birth days, weddings or angelversaries - have a special hold on our hearts whether we are conscious of it or not.
Today we will honour Danma's life, for how she enriched our lives when she was Earthly and for how she still touches us from the other side.
Michelle Borner, a mom on 23 missions, blogs about her Deep Thoughts on a wide range of topics from parenting to conscious living to lessons from brain cancer.
Like Growing Hearts Switzerland on Facebook to get notified of new blog posts!